Sunday Are Meant For Lamaze

So my wife and I spent all Sunday, and I mean all Sunday (9 hours total) in lamaze class and getting a hospital tour. This was without a doubt the biggest waste of time that I have experienced since my ethics class in law school (if you dont already know that you shouldn't steal money from a client by the time you are in law school, it isnt going to get through to you based on a lecture.)

The following is what I learned in the lamaze class:

The following is what we did in lamaze class:

a) spent approximately 4 hours learning how to give my wife a massage. Now anyone who has ever been fortunate enough to knock up their wife, knows that carrying around 16-35 additional pounds around the stomach area is not fun. If you dont kow, trust me, the Pregos will tell you. This results in a daily massages that my wife receives. I am happy to give them, as she is carrying around the person who i hope one day will not put me in a retirement home. But the point being, that I am well aware of how to give my wife a massage and even more aware of where it hurts her most. I dont need a lecture on it.

b) Layed down on mats and went to a "happy place." The reason happy place is in there, is because that is what the dumb ass instructor actually said. BTW, when you wife tells you that her happy place was your bedroom at home, dont tell her, your happy place was a baseball field. I just dont think that when Junior is trying to push his way out of my wife's vagina, me going to my happy place is going to help the situation. Moreover, the common understanding is that childbirth is painful. Just tell us about the drugs and get it over with.

c) Put on the pregnacy suit. This was actually fun. Although in hindsight I really wish I had quoted monty python and said "where's it gonna gestate."

d) Watched boring ass videos of childbirth. enough said.

Now, my wife, bless her heart, is a loyal Steelers fan. Although once they are out of the playoffs, she doesnt care for football anymore. I on the other still enjoy the game and watch the playoffs intently, as they are the only major sport with a one game win or go home playoff format. Having said that, asking your wife during the lunch break if you are going to get to watch any football today, will not go over as well as you think. Lesson learned - say it under my breadth next time.

Also, sometime back, I drove across the country with a few friends, as I was getting ready for my life in suburbia. The wife had gone ahead, started working and was getting settled in. On said roadtrip of 2 weeks, I decided that I would get my wife souveniers along the way, to let her know that I wasnt just drinking and site seeing, but also thinking of her. But I decided that in stead of magnets and postcards, I would buy her trashy clothing. The first stop on the trip was Las Vegas. At the Hard Rock Casino, I purchased her a pair of low riding sweat pants, that read "Pink Taco" across the ass. Upon receiving said gift, my wife's only response was "Why do you want me to advertise my vagina."

How does this relate to Lamaze class...well let me tell you. The class was made up of about 10 couple, all married except for this one young couple, probably in their late teens or early twenties (kids these days), who were dating, but nonethessless at the class together. The pregnant young lady decided that for class she would wear a shirt that was too small for her, exposing her stomach that read "Kitten" and a pair of stretch pants that read "Apple Bottoms." Finally when we were alone, my wife asked if I had noticed the young lady in the "kitten" t-shirt, to which I replied "I'm kind of disappointed that you didnt wear your 'whore' t-shirt with your Pink Taco pants. I am so happy that I am having a boy.

Next time: what to do when your son finds his mother's Pink Taco pants.