Travelling Wilburys - Handle With Care

One of my all time favorite songs

Three Things Thing

I haven't been in the blogging community long enough(or just am not cool enough) to get tagged for one of those "list three things" in each category thing, so I figured I would make up my own categories and write my answers down. I made up categories that I didnt necessarily have answers to. Well here goes:

Three places to I want to visit before I die:
1. Reykjavik
2. Anywhere I can see the northern lights from
3. Kodiak Island, Alaska

Three things most of my friends don't know about me:
1. I have a terrible fear of water/drowning
2. That I write a blog
3. That I once watched a complete episode of "7th Heaven"

Three things I wanted to be when I grew up:
1. Astronaut
2. Baseball player
3. Truck driver

Three non-person loves and why defined in one word:
1. Baseball - fair
2. Vegas - excess
3. Alcohol - fun

Three favorite days other than wedding or child's birth(or related days, i.e. engagement):
1. Day my brother came home from med school in India for good
2. 9 years old, playing baseball in the park with my brother and dad (only time it happened)
3. My brother's wedding day.

Three worst days:
1. The day my best friend Steve told me we couldn't be friends because I had a fight with his girlfriend(who I introduced him to and was friends with before they started dating)
2. The day my wife and I discussed if we were going to make it as a married couple.
3. The day my brother left for India for medical school.

Three expressions I always use:
1. Right on
2. What a fucking douche bag
3. Run away (as stolen from Monty Python)

Three self esteem issues and how I cover them up:
1. Height - Napoleon complex
2. Not smart - learning random trivia and yelling out the answers I know on Jeopardy
3. Not funny - stealing lines from movies and TV and using them in appropriate situations in life.

Three promises I made to myself that as of now, I have not kept:
1. To read Don Quixote
2. To live in NYC
3. To earn enough money so that my wife can stay at home with our child during his first few years (which she wants to, despite how much she loves her job.)

Three goals that seem to be a lot harder to keep than they actually are:
1. Driving the golf ball straight every time.
2. Not eating fast food.
3. Calling my mom everyday to let her know how her grandson is doing.

For picking my own categories, this was a lot harder than I thought it actually would be. If anyone actually uses these, or makes up their own categories please let me know. I had to do a bit of introspection for most of them once I came up with the category. The three self esteem issues were of course the easiest.

Next time: My three favorite smells. Hint: one of them is not Drakkar Noir

His First A+

OK, so it is his blood type, but you cant blame a father for being proud. If I were to truly embrace my Indian parenting roots, I should have had a talk with Junior after he scored a 9 out of 10 on the APGAR scale immediately after birth. The APGAR score is some random scale they use to determine, color, responsiveness and some other stuff right after the baby is born, that now that we are out the hospital, is useless information to me. But nonetheless, if I had gotten a 9 out of 10 you can be damned sure my dad would be asking me, why I didnt get 10 out of 10, and if there was any extra credit I could do to make up for it.

I of course want my child to be the best he can be and to reach his potential. But I dont want to be the psycho over the top Indian parent that seems to be prevalent in society from my parent's generation. For reference see the parent in "Spellbound" who seems to psuh his son to an unreal level. Granted I got a small portion of what that kid's life is like, but the part I saw, seemed to be the exact opposite of what I would want for my son. Maybe I will change my mind when Shaan gets older and I see how competitive the world is for children these days, but for now, I dont want that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va08QGl2X58

We did get some very good news from the Dr. today. Shaan is growing at a nice steady rate. He is up to 5 lbs., 5 oz., having gained 9 oz. in one week, which is over the ounce per day average and also over his birth weight of 4lbs. 13 oz. After his birth we were so concerned about the lack of weight gain and the actual weight loss, that this tells us we might be doing something right. No matter what people tell you (they grow so fast, he's going to be fine, etc.) there is nothing that can take away the daily worrying over the child. Especially when you kid is small and see all the other chidlren of the same age so much bigger. Also, when you have little control over how much he wants to eat.

Now if I can just push him to gain 10 oz. per week, I will be the perfect Indian parent.

Next time: Why I keep doing this next time thing, even though I dont actually write about it in the next e-mail. Alright I stole it from Arrested Development, so sue me.

A Story to Tell My Grandchildren

It was day 5 in the expirement known as the Shaan project. I was still overly cautious with everything that I was doing with baby, being that he was so small and apparently very helpless. At 5 days old, kids dont do much. They eat, sleep, shit and then do it all over again in a different order - speaking of which, that is kind of what I picture retirement to be like, and I cant wait.

I try to help my wife out as much as I can. Right now, she is sleeping, I just bottle fed the baby some milk that my wife had pumped earlier. A brief aside: Breasts have temporarily lost all sexual connotations for me. They are very functional right now, and no matter how many times my wife whips them out for Junior, they just dont have the same effect that they did one day before he was born. I know this will change and it is only a matter of time, but i really love those gals. Sure I favored righty over lefty a little bit, but I loved them equally.

But I digress. My helping out extends to changing Shaan's diaper anytime I am available. So on day 5, I was still new to experience and changing diapers was a slow thought out process, that involved me considering things like, am I squeenzing his balls and penis in too tight, did I get every piece of poop out of every little wrinkle in his old man looking body, etc. So basically, the process was slow and time consuming.

So on this fateful day, during a feeding, he had done his thing. I grabbed him and offered to change him. I placed him gently on the changing table(something I did not know existed before my wife beame pregnant -I just thought there were cribs), which have placed in the corner of Shaan's room. I slowly removed his clothing and got to the diaper. I gently removed the diaper and inspected the contents. To our joy, his poop had become the yellowish, orangish, brownish grainy concotion that it is supposed to be. I smiled the proud father smile and wiped his butt and the surrounding area clean. I them moved to place the used diaper with wipes to side.

Then it happened. I heard what could only be described as the sound of jet engine eminating from my son's ass. I looked back in confusion and from out of his tiny little butthole emerged a streak of liquid/solid poop like a jet stream that flew straight at the wall about a foot and half from his bum. This lasted for about 10 seconds. I stood there is stunned silence, just watching the butthole explosion take place. It was like being drunk at a bar and watching a pint glass fall out of your hand and break on the floor. You know you should do something. You want to do something. But you cant, you just watch. And I did. I watched his feces hit that wall in a straight line. Gravity had no effect on the trajectory - it was a straight shot. As I stood there aghast, when he had finished, and all that was left was streaks of shit going down my wall, I looked back to see Shaan just laying there making his normal crazy sounds. I know he was smiling on the inside.

Next time: A thank you to all the readers who have checked out the blog and left such kind comments and congratulations.

Welcome to the World My Son

My son, Shaan, was born on February 10, 2007 at 9:59 a.m. weighing in at 4 lbs 13 oz. and was 19 inches long.

He has his mother's chin and ears and my nose, but the rest belongs to him. He has a full head of hair, that looks a bit like a hipster haircut right now. When his cap is removed it inevitbaly goes into a mohawk. So already he is more fashionable than me. He is in a word - perfect.

His name means "pride" in hindi, but coincidentally also means "peace" in hebrew. My Jewish friends will be happy. He took my name as his middle name, as per Maharashtrian culture.

It has been a rough week in terms of feeding him. Initially Shaan was losing weight(as is normal for newborns) but he wasnt getting up to eat, because he had no energy. And since he wasnt eating he wasnt gaining weight. This created a vicious little cycle that was concerning us. So we ended up giving him formula (against all of our hippie concerns about only breast feeding) which helped turn it around. Now he is gaining weight nicely. Is very playful. The dog is bit bummed out right now, cause no one is playing with him, but he isn't jealous.

Now I thought it was kind of strange when I first saw it but I said nothing. Then more and more people kept commenting on it, so I feel the need to include here for you dear reader of mine: Shaan has an abnormally large penis. Needless to say I am proud of that, but it is just weird. A career in porn might await him after all.

One can't explain the feeling of having a child. To see this little thing with his whole life ahead of him that will be primarily influenced by you, is a bit overwhelming. I think I finally realize what mother's day is all about. I was in the delivery room with my wife. I try and wake up for all feedings in the middle of the night(she let me sleep through two so far) and sit there with her as she struggles through the feedings and the vice grip on her breasts. And I just watch my wife with the baby. I have so much more respect for her. For everything she went through and her complete and total lack of selflessness for the benefit of our child. To say that I am more in love with my wife now, would be an understatement. This past week is what I pictured being a family was about.

So welcome to the world Shaan. I leave you with a few paraphrased words from Rudyard Kipling's "If":

"If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too...

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master...

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”...

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run...

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!"

Next time: How old does Shaan have to be before I tell him that I only learned of the Kipling poem from The Simpsons?

I Resolved To Do What

So with the new year, I made some resolutions like I do every year. Last year I made only one, and was intent on keeping. And I did. That resolution (to floss everyday) is being carried over into this year and will hopefully continue to the point of daily habit, like brushing my teeth for the rest of my life. Ireally have always hated flossing. The concept just weirds me out. Cant explain, just something I dont like doing.

This year however, with Junior on the way, I wanted to set an example for my child and do something or at least resolve to do something, that I didn't think I was capable of because of my lack of dedication to things and my ADD about just about any project I undertake. So this year, I have resolved to:

1. Train for and run a half marathon;
2. Read 'War and Peace;' and
3. Not eat fast food, except for Taco Bell (one just cant give that up cold turkey...its like crack to me)

I have found a half marathon being run in NYC on September 7, 2007. This should give me the summer to train outside, where I enjoy running much more than in the gym.

I started WaP and am about a quarter of the way through it. Its actually quite good and not the chore I suspected it might be.

The last resolution...so far so good.

The first two, were ideas I had that came about thinking about long term goals and being dedicated to something, that may not immediately yield results, but in the end would be something that I feel I really accomplished. I didn't want to do one of those - be a better person resolutions, be nicer to people, exercise more, eat better - resolutions. Nothing against those who did, i just don't operate that way. I need tangible goals. Either i did something or I didn't.

Next Time: Taco Bell...why it may be the one that thing prevents me from running 13.1 miles. Well that an laziness.

Advertising Works...At Pissing Me Off

I hope my child doesn't have to grow up in a world where the following conversation happens:

Individual 1: So what are you doing for the superbowl?
Individual 2: I don't know, I don't really care about football, I am just watching it for the commercials.
Individual 1: Yeah me too.

Please people... this has to stop. It is so bad that on Yahoo's main page, there is a link for those fucked up individuals that want to watch the commercials again. I don't really need to watch the Chevy/Ford/Toyota commercial about how much payload the particular truck can tow and get to 70 mph in 4.185643 seconds. Let alone watch it again. Thankfully I don't need to compensate by buying a large truck/SUV(yeah I'm talking to you Hummer owners.) Those people that work in the industries that need that kind of towing power, probably already own a big truck. The thing is, I am sure that there is some douche bag out there thinking they have to have whichever truck they saw in the last commercial. These companies wouldn't do it otherwise.

The wife and I had a false alarm yesterday, approximately 4 hours before the start of the superbowl. We thought her water might have broken and we casually made our way to the hospital. After the initial stages of panic wore off, we slowly took showers, grabbed all overnight bags and cameras and made our way to the hospital. The doctors told us the cervix was intact. Yippee. The little guy gets to hang out in the womb for a little longer. That could only be a good thing. Although it was a bit of a let down and we both felt drained at the end of the experience. Also we realized that we had no names for the child. We started bartering on the car ride over. She was willing to concede the first name I wanted if she got to choose the middle name. We were certainly in panic mode about the name. Didn't seem to be all too concerned about the actual labor and having a child part, but the name was driving us crazy.

One of the stranger things at the hospital was that the nurse and one of the residents both had connections to California. Specifically southern California. I proudly display my UC Santa Barbara sweatshirt as often as I can, and the young doctor had attended UC Berkeley. He had some friends in the LA area and we got to talking. At which point the nurse jumps in and lets us know that she went to school at Cal State San Bernadino. Now this may not seem like a big deal, but lately, I haven't been feeling as comfortable in my new (year and half old) location. But I'm working on it. But the pisser is that today it is -2 degrees. Negative!! Aside from the fact that this is the first time I have ever been in negative Fahrenheit temperature, it is 85 degrees in Los Angeles. So my wife and I decided after returning from the hospital, that February would be a good time to visit the family in LA every year. We could tell the kid its for his birthday every year, but we'll know its really for us.

Lastly, I was gassy last night. My wife claimed that this is worst gas of mine she has ever smelled. She beautifully analogized my farts last night, as being the Superbowl of farts. She said that she could identify what I had eaten. And that folks is how you keep the magic alive in a relationship.

Next Time: What to do when when you think your water breaks but its just water that has spilled over from doing the dishes.