How hard is it to be honest with yourself. To see yourself as others do. I looked at my feet today and didnt recognize them, I saw my son's.
Since moving to Pittsburgh, I dont seem to see myself anymore. Having said that, I wonder if I ever have. With all the time and energy I have invested in my son, what if I fail him as a father. What if I already have. How much am I a reflection of what I want others to see? How much of a relfection of what I want to see? Sometimes I think, I couldnt be happier, other times, I wonder how much longer till the nervous break down. How is that right? How is that possible?
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Post Script to the Last Entry
There were a few things I forgot to mention that have happened in the last four months. Since this is a journal for the boy, I figure it is stuff that he would find interesting, quirky and informative.
His first words in the following order: Ball, Attack, Dog. An explantion for "attack:" Every morning after he wakes up and the changing is done, I take him to a full length mirror in the guest bathroom. He of course looks at himself and then me and then smiles. Everytime he has seen his reflection, since about the age of 4 months or so, I say "Attack!". I of course am hoping that he will go afte rhis reflection. When someone asked me why I did that after he actually started saying "Attaaaa," having nothing to really say, I came up with the idea that it was old zen warrior technique, where the warrior must first defeat the enemy within and then would be able to defeat any other enemies. Sounds like all the other bullshit I have spewed in my life.
He has teeth. They started coming about 2 months ago. First he got the bottom two teeth. Then something strange happened. The next two were the top incisors. And that is all that he has. They look like fangs. It is fantastic. This coupled with the attack thing - the boy has made me proudest dad in the entire world and he isn't even a year old.
Shaan lost his last remaining great grand parent (the only one whose life overlapped with his) in August. My mother's mother passed away in India after a long illness and bouts of memory loss and vertigo. I wonder if she even was aware that she had another great grand child at the time of passing (total 5 at the time of her death). More so I wonder if Shaan will ever fully comprehend that without her, he wouldn't be.
His first words in the following order: Ball, Attack, Dog. An explantion for "attack:" Every morning after he wakes up and the changing is done, I take him to a full length mirror in the guest bathroom. He of course looks at himself and then me and then smiles. Everytime he has seen his reflection, since about the age of 4 months or so, I say "Attack!". I of course am hoping that he will go afte rhis reflection. When someone asked me why I did that after he actually started saying "Attaaaa," having nothing to really say, I came up with the idea that it was old zen warrior technique, where the warrior must first defeat the enemy within and then would be able to defeat any other enemies. Sounds like all the other bullshit I have spewed in my life.
He has teeth. They started coming about 2 months ago. First he got the bottom two teeth. Then something strange happened. The next two were the top incisors. And that is all that he has. They look like fangs. It is fantastic. This coupled with the attack thing - the boy has made me proudest dad in the entire world and he isn't even a year old.
Shaan lost his last remaining great grand parent (the only one whose life overlapped with his) in August. My mother's mother passed away in India after a long illness and bouts of memory loss and vertigo. I wonder if she even was aware that she had another great grand child at the time of passing (total 5 at the time of her death). More so I wonder if Shaan will ever fully comprehend that without her, he wouldn't be.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
