E-Mail Exchange With Friends

The following is an e-mail exchange that occurred between two friends and I earlier today. I have edited most of the personal information out to protect people's privacy, but I thought I was just preety funny, and if you are having a shitty day you might find it funny as well. For clarification purposes, the characters are Me, Friend 1, Friend 2 and Random Girl. Oh also, we are kind of mean in it.

Friend 1:

Just a recap of Saturday. I started out with a solid hangover... Anyhow, we had the bbq of [friend 2's girlfriend's] friend and her husband in the East Village. We arrived at 1:30ish and quickly took over... A few beers in we were sitting at a table and this girl with very large knockers walked in. Actually, there was another girl that [friend 2] claimed was going to be my next girlfriend. They started recanting stories about the wedding and the girl with huge knockers noted that she got into a brawl with a 10 yr. old girl. Whenever someone brags about beating up children I get very impressed. So, more drinking happens. And more drinking. This girl is really rolling with the punches and even gets all of [friend 2's] extremely obscure references... Finally I was left alone with large knockers... Anyhow, hooking up did happen. [Random Girl] and I took the cab to join [friend 2]. This was a trip of a total 8 blocks. I was fall down drunk at this point... Slowing down on the drinking now as I am close to face down on the bar. We all took the cab back to the Soho area, which is in the opposite direction of [Random Girl's place]. I thought I was in good shape to take her to pleasuretown but she decided that perhaps the nausea feeling wasnt from hooking up with me but too much alcohol and took a taxi home. It was a pretty good Saturday. Only 12 consecutive hours of drinking.


Me:

That sounds like quite the adventure. Hopefully you were sober enough to jerk one off. That seems like a fun night, which could have been funner(its a real word). What happened to the girl that was going to be [friend 1's] next girlfriend. And what has happened with the current girl you are seeing/dating/meeting parents. Does she not get invited to these things?


Friend 1:

The current girl had some business in [out of town], leaving me to my meandering ways. I think I need to send her on her way. The problem is that she is just too nice. I hate this part of a relationship. I need to have a representative, like when a soldier falls in battle, to go the the home of the girlfriend to break the bad news.

Me:

I'll do it. I need her phone number. Forget it, just me her e-mail address. The only proper way to break up with somebody. We've modernized evrything else, why not our relationships. Is this something you plan on doing sometime soon? And will you be getting another crack at Tits McGee.

Friend 2:

I was just waiting for [Me] to come through with the "welcome to Dumpsville! Population: you.". I would just go to Chinatown (they have everything there!) and purchase a pair of cojones and go with that. Dumping nice girls is tough but every day it just gets harder and its obviously worse to leave things dangling. Note: don't mention Tits McGee to [current girl]. Despite their soft, pillowy design, it won't break the fall well.

Friend 1:

You guys should really be writing an advice column. Better yet, something along the lines of the Car Talk. Where people call in and you just laugh at them.

Me:

You know when dumping a girl, its always good to open with a joke. This will have two results: one, she will laugh and it will lighten the mood. And you can tell, I just wanted the last memory of me to be a funny happy one, before I ripped your heart out and wiped my bum with it. Or two, she doesnt laugh and you use that as an excuse for how she doesnt get you,and you have the ball rolling right there.

Friend 2:

Yeah dumping a girl is like yard work - its not fun but if you don't tend to it, things get out of control. That's why its always best to sack it up early on before the weeds take over your property. Besides,those balls have to do some heavy lifting or they'll start thinking their only purpose is to be dipped carefully into a girl's mouth.


The End.

I agree, its not the most mature or even remotely adult conversation, but it is a much more real conversation than you will ever read about in Cosmo. And FYI, Tits McGee wasnt edited in.